


One Last Favor Before I Go

by ladykardasi



Series: Julian Blues [2]
Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Angst, M/M, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-14
Updated: 2017-05-14
Packaged: 2018-10-31 19:22:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10905825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladykardasi/pseuds/ladykardasi
Summary: Garak helps Julian back to bed.





	One Last Favor Before I Go

Garak let his eyes move over the bar once more. Quark had told him that Julian was here somewhere, but the bartender had been so busy he didn't even have time to explain where he had last seen the young man. So Garak kept sipping from the Rokassa juice as his eyes moved over the crowd. 

Maybe it is for the best? 

The last time they had seen each other, Julian hadn't seemed particularly interested in talking to him again. Garak sighed. He had better go back to his shop and pick up those things he had left behind. There wasn't much he would actually need, but there were a couple of small items he would rather not lose, thus this trip to the station. Maybe it was indeed for the best that he didn't see Julian. It would simply stir up old wounds and bring back unwanted memories.

But he admitted to himself that he would indeed have loved to see Julian... The young doctor was the only thing on this wretched station that Garak would actually miss, but alas, it seemed those feelings were not reciprocated, so he might as well leave. Garak was just rising from his chair to do that when he caught sight of a lean form sitting at the far corner in the upper level of Quark's. He would recognize those eyes wherever and whenever he saw them. They tore through him like a laser scalpel. Cut open his heart as if it were merely made out of paper. 

Garak swallowed hard and forced his face to remain cool, almost indifferent. Then he nodded to Julian, but the young man didn't seem to react and Garak's eyes narrowed. Julian appeared to be so far away, as if he wasn't even really looking at Garak and his face held a strange expression of rapture... 

Garak made his decision and started moving towards his friend. The winding staircase prevented him from keeping eye contact with Julian and when he reached the second floor the young man was standing up. He seemed dazed, shocked and even a little frightened. And he was tousled, like he'd been sleeping. Garak frowned again. What was wrong with Julian? It was unfortunate that they hadn't parted on the best of terms, but the young man had no reason to be afraid of him, now had he? The thought that Julian would actually fear him gripped like cold claws around Garak's heart. He almost stopped and turned around, but then he straightened. That was not his way. He had never cowered in the face of rejection before, and he would not start now. 

But there was so much weighing on him. Too much.... 

The last few weeks on Cardassia had been pure torture. The planet was ripped to pieces. More than three-quarters of its population eradicated. The streets were filled with dead bodies and plague tormented the few Cardassians remaining. Those who could leave did so, and by now there weren't many of his people left on Prime. Garak sighed. The death of Legate Damar had scattered the few that might have been strong enough to help rebuild the world.... 

The cities were reduced to unsalvageable rubble and everything that had once made Cardassia great was gone. He wished he could go to Julian for help, but he knew that asking the young Starfleet officer to go back to Cardassia with him now would be like putting himself up for endless torture. That day, at the Dominion headquarters, that day, when they had said goodbye, he had finally realized how little he actually mattered to Julian and it still hurt too much to think about. 

Garak lifted his gaze to watch the human. A blush had crept onto Julian's cheeks and he was watching him with an incredulous look in those hazel eyes. Garak frowned. Julian seemed different somehow. 

"Garak... Garak, is that you?" Julian's voice had taken a whining tone that Garak didn't recognize and he was stumbling over the words as if he was drunk. Finally, Garak let his eyes wander behind Julian and he saw the glass and the empty bottle of kanaar standing at the table where Julian had been sitting. And the Cardassian finally realized that his friend... his former friend, he sternly reminded himself, was less than sober. 

"Kanaar, Doctor?" he asked with a slight tinge of surprise in his voice. *I'm losing my touch. I'm slipping. It took me several minutes to realize he'd been drinking*

"I used to think kanaar was vile stuff, Garak, my friend," Julian slurred and Garak tried to hide the wince as Julian called him his friend and moved forward to grab his shoulder in a friendly gesture. "But this time it made me... " Julian fell silent and the blush on his cheeks heightened. "Is that really you?" Julian's voice was full of amazement and Garak shook his head. This was almost humorous. Julian drunk was like the man-child he had met seven years ago. The awkward young boy that had captured his fascination like nothing had ever done before in his life. Garak's heart constricted at the sight and he swallowed. Julian moved forward and then he swayed. 

"Uh-oh" he said and stumbled into Garak's embrace. Garak gripped the slender waist on reflex and steadied Julian as best he could. 

"It really *is* you!" Julian said once more as if that fact truly shocked him. "I thought..." Then he stumbled again and giggled. 

"I'm having a little trouble here, my Cardassian friend," he hic-coughed. 

"I will accompany you to your quarters; Doctor. I believe you need some sleep."

Julian began protesting, but then obviously thought better of it. He stumbled clumsily beside Garak on their way to his quarters. Nothing much was said. Julian was too drunk to keep a coherent conversation at the same time as he tried to remain upright, whereas Garak was fighting with his conflicting emotions. 

I had told myself I hated this man only a few hours ago, and yet... when I see him like this he reduces me to the same weak man I've been for seven years. Julian reduces me to someone who does not wish to live without him, and he doesn't even realize it... Suddenly Garak really regretted showing up on the station at all. 

*I should have stayed away,* he thought as they reached Julian's quarters. *but now it is too late... I will do this one last thing before I leave, my dear Julian, but then it is all over. I will pick up those items I left behind, then I will go back to Cardassia and after that... after that I will stay away, no matter what it takes.*

The trip back to Julian's quarters might have been an amusing sight for a spectator, but Garak did not feel like laughing. He watched as Julian stopped at his door, leaning against the bulkhead, trying to push in his access code. 

"Have you changed it?" Garak said patiently. 

"No," Julian replied with a soft smile, and Garak winced inwardly. Julian was beautiful, always had been beautiful, in his eyes. But now, with his eyelids drooped, his face flushed and an odd glint in his gaze he was more beautiful than ever. Although, he was even thinner than before. Garak frowned. Julian was too thin as it was, and now he looked so fragile. 

"I'll get it," Garak said curtly, angry with himself for feeling protective of Julian, and pushed the code in. He'd known it for years. How many times hadn't he thought about using that code, sneaking inside Julian's quarters, if only to look at the young man? But he had never done it - apart from that very first time, that time when they had worked with the orphans. That was when he had realized just how he felt about the young human. The innocent man had captured his heart without even knowing it, without effort, with his beauty and his innocence and his incessant curiosity. With the intelligence and the high, human morals that seemed so peculiar to Garak at first, but which had slowly, unerringly sneaked their way into his mind. 

"Oops," Julian said as he stumbled over the threshold. Garak knew the human would have slumped to the floor, face first, if he hadn't caught him. Garak winced at feeling that slender form pressed against his body. Julian threw an arm around his shoulders and smiled happily at him. 

"You're such a good friend, Garak," he slurred. "Such a good friend."

The expression on Julian's face changed and suddenly the smile faded. He looked so young, so lost and so breathtakingly attractive that Garak had to look away, and the words coming from that lush mouth cut through his heart like a steaming hot blade. 

"I've missed you, Elim. You don't know how much."

Garak didn't know what to respond to that. 

"We should get you into bed," he said, not responding to the words.

"Yes," Julian said slowly, only to surprise Garak again. "We should go to bed."

He turned to stare at Julian, with what was undoubtedly a shocked expression on his face, before he managed to school his features. Suddenly, Julian's hand moved from his shoulder to cup his cheek in a very tender gesture. The hazel eyes looked at him closely. 

"We should both go to bed," the young man said, voice suddenly sounding more sober. "You and I, Garak, together. I don't understand why we never did."

"You are drunk," Garak said curtly. "Why ever would you and I share the same bed? That would not have been wise."

"No," Julian said. "It might not have been, but it was what we both wanted, deep down, wasn't it, Elim?" 

"Certainly not," Garak said; not believing his ears. What was Julian's intention with this? Wasn't he drunk? Was he in fact stone cold sober and playing some cruel game? Or was he so drunk he didn't know what he was saying? If this was true, why had Julian never, throughout their entire friendship, said anything? Why now, when he hardly had anything left to give? When his heart was dead - the barren remains after a holocaust. The holocaust that was Cardassia prime after the Dominion had their way with his people. 

Julian pulled back a little, his eyes clearing up. 

"Give me something to sober me up, Garak," he said sternly. "I can't walk over to the replicator..." Julian swayed where he was standing. 

"I think you should sleep it off, doctor," Garak said, suddenly afraid of being alone with Julian, and especially a sober Julian. 

"No, I need to be sober now. We have to talk," he said. 

This was not what Garak needed now. He should get out of there immediately. 

"I think not," he replied curtly. "I think you should go to bed and sleep it off. We'll talk in the morning."

"No," Julian said. "We need to talk now." He lifted his hands to rub his eyes as if chasing away dizziness or maybe a headache. Garak took the opportunity to back off. 

"I don't see what we need to talk about," Garak said. "I am only here to pick up a few things and go back to Cardassia. You and I have nothing more to discuss."

"But we do! Damn it, Garak," Julian's voice rose to a high pitch. He moved the few steps over to his bed and slumped down on it. He groaned. "I wish I hadn't drunk all that kanaar. If I'd known it was really you I would never have done something so stupid...." Julian silenced again and groaned once more. 

Despite everything, Garak was curious. He wanted out, to go back to Cardassia and try his best to do something for his wounded home world and then he wanted to silently slip into the woodwork and disappear. He owed Cardassia that much at least, no matter what her people had done to him in the past. But then there was this... man, who reached inside him and woke his heart once more, when he thought it dead. Despite himself, Garak sat down in the chair by the bed to see what Julian was about to say. 

"Done what?" he encouraged softly when Julian did not say anything for such a long time. 

"I love you, you know," Julian said as if he hadn't heard the softly spoken words. Garak winced. 

*I love you.*

Nobody ever said that to him before. At least not that he could remember and not like that, with such tenderness, honesty and such passion. 

It hurt. Oh, sweet mother of Cardassia, those words hurt. 

Garak closed his eyes and leaned back in the chair. He bit his lip as the rage flooded him. He wanted to get up, lash out and scream. 

*Why are you telling me this now? It is too late! Can't you see? *

But he said nothing, he simply waited for Julian to continue. 

"I love you, and I've loved you for so long. I didn't even know I felt this way about you until now." Julian spoke slowly, deliberately. "Tonight, I missed you so much it hurt. I only drank the kanaar to feel closer to you. I never thought I'd see you again." He silenced for a moment. 

"It hurt."

Garak sat silent, waiting, leaning forward in the chair, ready to flee, but unable to do so because the face of the young man held him captive. The soft voice kept him hostage and the words shackled him as efficiently as any restraints ever could. 

Julian was so desirable where he lay sprawled. The lean form rested halfway on the bed, but his feet were still on the floor, one arm thrown over his eyes as if he had to shut everything out to be able to say what he needed to say. 

"I want you, too, Garak. I think I've wanted you since that very first day we met. Nothing ever touched me the way you did. Your hands on my shoulders. Do you remember?"

*Oh, yes, I remember*

"They felt like they were carrying some electrical current, perfectly in tune with my soul. You'll never know... "

The voice was still a bit slurred, but now it nearly broke. Garak bit his lip to prevent even the slightest sound from escaping his lips. He was enthralled with Julian's admissions, but scared out of his mind to believe them. He simply wanted, needed, had to hear them before he left. 

"You should have seen me today. I wanted you so much. Do you know what I did?"

Garak swallowed. He sensed what was coming. He had seen part of it after all, even if he hadn't realized what was going on at the time. The thought set his blood on fire.

"I saw you there, in the bar, and I wanted you. I wanted you so much I touched myself, right then and there. Did you see me, Elim?" 

"Yes, I saw you," Garak said before he could stop himself. "I saw you, but now I will do you one last favor before I go. I will forget this ever happened."

The arm over Julian's face, placed there for the sole purpose of shutting everything out, suddenly moved and their eyes met. What Garak saw in the young human's eyes scared him half to death. He rose to his feet and got out of the room without even glancing back, not hearing or wanting to hear Julian calling his name. 

He had nothing to give. His heart was dead, his world was dead - he was dead. His body just didn't know it yet. 

At least that was what Garak told himself as the doors to Julian's quarters slid shut behind him. But the tears on his cheeks spoke of a different truth.

END


End file.
